Warning: what you are about to read will make little sense

Warning: what you are about to read will make little sense

Saturday, 31 December 2011

A Human Jester Special: Give me 2011 bloody back

Okay with it being the last day of 2011 I have decided to do a special post looking back over 2011 from my ranty and kind of angry point of view. A lot of things have happened this year Vettel becoming the youngest double world champ, the royal wedding, war and earthquakes I'm going to cover as much as I bloody can so be warned this is going to a post the size of Oprah's arse .....so pretty big.
           Okay for myself the year started pretty normally for me with my head in the sink vomiting while my friend was passed out in the middle of the road. Completely normal way to start the new year though from there it was pretty boring for a while. But the first big thing I remember of the year was the earthquakes in Japan during March and the nuclear station melting down. Firstly the earthquake. You've got to hand it to Japan they dealt with that earthquake pretty damn well, you know if it happened here in Britain we would be fucked We have mass panics and people screaming and shouting when it snows and everyone is trying to buy bread and milk for some fucking reason just because there is a little bit of snow. If we had that earthquake everyone in Britain would have gone tribal and would have started fighting over butter supplies while mini wars would break out between cities with Manchester invading Liverpool. But no Japan held strong and with help started to recover I say well done to them they had something which could have really knocked them off their feet and they dealt with it. But then they had the power station go critical and melt down. Firstly I really remember this for the fact I saw a picture on FB about the reactor going up within seconds someone had commented on the picture saying simply "I didn't know Fallout had a new expansion pack" every part of me cringed while in fairness to the guy it was a good joke but about 5 minutes after the reactor had melted down I think is possibly too soon to make a joke about it.
           And next it has to of course The Royal Wedding, the day nearly everyone in Britain got pissed and perved on Pippa Midletons arse. I didn't watch the Royal wedding myself but there's 2 facts I love about it. The majority of Britain didn't really give a shit about it compared to the rest of the world but we still thought "A wedding? Time to get pissed" no one fucking cared about it but we still happily took a day off to get rat arsed in the middle of the street and to pretend to actually know what the fuck is going on. The second part of course has to be the fact probably the most mentioned thing in the whole day wasn't the happy couple or anything to do with the wedding it was one of the brides maids arses. Sorry but how fucking British is that there's a massive wedding yet all the men seem more interested in perving on one of the brides maids. We may as well have just put up a banner saying "We may be pissed and we may not really care about this wedding but we can damn appreciate a bit of arse when we see it". Oh another thing was The Royal Wedding Drinking game. I thought the Harry Potter drinking game Goblet of Fire was hilarious but this was bloody amazing. I love that somewhere in Britain some pissed up student went "A royal wedding.....I can make a drinking game for that". I sadly never played it myself but I remember the rules were pretty brutal or at least I remember one had to do with Prince Philip making some sort of racist comment so it must have been dodgy.
           Now next Osama Bin Laden getting killed. My main memory of this was someone saying "Osama Bin Laden dead and the Royal Wedding now that's what I call a fucking week". I don't really have much to say on this to be honest, yeh he killed a load of people but a bad guy getting killed is generally a good thing so this has left me with annoyingly little to take the piss out of. My only complaint is them burying him at sea. Surly they could have done something better. I think they should of strapped him to a missle and sent him blasting off into the air, I could easily imagine there just being a little glint like when Team Rocket blast off in pokemon. "Osama's blasting off againnnnnnnnn.......tink".....sorry I have just noticed I have implied that a evil  murderer should have been treated like a kids tv show villian so moving on.....
           Okay I'm skipping a few months now as other wise this is going to take fucking ages. Now onto the Riots. I was in Wales for the majority of the riots where we had the common sense to well...not riot so again I don't have a amazing amount to say other than when a english person see's a chance to nick something they bloody well take it. I love the number of posh and rich people who got in the shit as they just stole something for the sake of stealing it. There's something for you the british are so cheap that even rich people will steal something from fucking Lidl the shop so cheap I know students who refuse to shop there. Now other than the fact I found out JB's was the most looted shop in the riots which I found proved their customer market of your average chav the only other thing that interested me is that the welsh police were called in to help. I like this for simple fact of how confused must the rioters have been when the welsh vans turned up with "Heddlu" written on them. All I shall say to those rioters ..aren't making sheep jokes fucking now are you.
           Now Octorber was a busy month Muammar Gaddafi a dictator who actually thought he was a fucking bond villain dying. I'm still waiting for the report saying he had a right hand man who hand claws for hands or something. But of course there was the Rugby world cup. I can safely say thanks to one sporting event the majority of Britain now hate the French even more than usual. With Scotland not making it through qualifying, Ireland losing to Wales in what was in fairness a very good game and then England being the first to fall to the luck of the French team it was all down to Wales. Yet thanks to a stupid call by a ref it was taken from us. All I shall say it was bloody funny watching the French interviews after the game for the simple fact their were all speechless. They didn't even think they should have been there let alone the other teams. Though thankfully New Zealand which even though with the irony of it being the only country to have even more sheep than Wales is my second favourite team came to rescue and beat the French to a good win  taking the world cup. All I shall say it's seems there may be a relation to sheep numbers to rugby skills....
           All I shall say for the next bit is to be honest it was no bloody surprise Vettel winning the world title ...again. To be honest it was pretty bloody obvious by half way through the season. But there I have too things to say as I know not many people are fans of F1 Vettel in fairness to him was a good driver and Alonso is a sneaky bastard. I can't remember which race it was but Alonso said into the team radio "I'm giving up I can't catch him" just to try to throw off the person in front of him...the sneaky Italian Bugger. In the end the other driver didn't fall for it and he kept his position. So all I shall say is suck it Alonso.
            Now we come to the last month of my look back over the year. With Kim Jong Il dying and making people question whether or not Team America actually exists it has been a interesting month. But now it is coming to an end. 2011 has been a stressful but fun year me and I will bid it a happy fare well. I shall miss it but look on the bright side look at what we have to look forward to The London Olympics which should be fun. Oh and also the possibility of the world ending , everyone dying a gruesome death and the world ending as we know. What a ball of fucking laughs 2012 shall be. So that is me done for not only my bloody longest post (this thing took fucking effort to write) but my last one of 2011. Hope you had a good year and that if the world does end your death is swift and painless well unless it's a zombie apocalypse then I hope your body is mangled enough you caught chase after me when you go all undead. Sorry but I'm not a fan of being eaten alive so no hard feelings.

The Human Jester

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